Out of Hibernation

I love winter. Simply LOVE it. Which is strange since both my sisters and mother despise northern winters and you'd think, being a Hawai'ian child, I'd hate it too. Seems like I managed to have more of my father's blood in me when it comes to which seasons I enjoy. The snow and the cold nights! Hot drinks and warm hearty meals that really make this house a home. Having to cuddle up with Grendal to keep warm while we sleep. Even Yuko, our odd mix of a pup, loves the snow! Being a short haired breed who came up from Alabama we thought she'd hate the snow. Nope. Whenever a fresh bunch fell she begged to go out and play. Running, digging, eating, and rolling in the snow until it just got too cold. Yuko is a dog after our own hearts.

That and being with my modern day viking of a man, Grendal. I don't like summer that much anymore and it's because of the heat. When it gets to be anything above 80 I tend to melt and not want to do much unless there is a breeze, I'm near water, or in the middle of the woods.

The birds around here have told us that winter is now a memory and Spring is in full swing. While the actual transition is still a few days away, you can't really deny nature and animals. Grendal pointed that out yesterday while we listened to a Robin sing. My little Goldfinches, Chickadees, Mourning Doves, and Cardinals have all strayed from the feeders to find their own food. Kinda sad but I bet they're happy to be out and about.

Its early to mid march up here and it's bordering on 80 degrees. D:  Way too early for this heat and the upper part of the house(the part we rent) doesn't vent heat, it holds it in. So we bake, our electronics bake, the animals don't wanna be up here, etc. Despite that I've started walking home from work to take in the sun and see if I can gain some color without actually burning for once(doubt it). Gotta take out the bikes and check the tires so I can ride to and from work.

Grendal and I have started to save up money for our wedding. Its a little over a year away and I'm already paranoid on what to do. I mean what the hell do I do for a wedding? We're having it in the yard and the person doing the ceremony is going to be a family friend. All of it's going to start in the afternoon and give way to a bonfire. We don't even know how many people to invite. :I  His family is HUGE compared to mine, even if my mother's side was able to fly out and join us. The only thing we know for sure is where we're getting our wedding jewelery(to pendants from a local RenFair), what I want to do for a dress(still gotta get the pattern and double check that Grendal's mother is willing to help), have my mother make my headdress, and, above all else, brew our Mead! That is the part I'm looking forward to. Our first batch turned out wonderful so we're going to ahead and make about 15 gallons worth for the wedding.

So, since winter is over and spring is in full swing I can no longer hibernate. Time to open the windows, spruce up my altar, and begin life anew! No more winter woes that seem to creep in no matter how much I love the season. While my little corner of the world may not be as I imagined, it's my freakin' corner.

Here Comes the Rain Again

While I do love winter and the blankets of snow and chilly weather, the two good things about spring and summer are the flowers and the storms.  On Ostara there was a lovely storm and right now there is another one!  Some of my fondest memories are of storms.  Yes, I used to get scared when they got bad and still do(major fear of tornadoes!) but for the most part they're calming.  The thrumming of heavy rain, the wind, and, most of all, the thunder and lightening.

Georgia has some of the best storms in my memory.  We lived on an Air Force base and it was actually rather dull where we were.  The best thing there was the wooded area behind the house, which was a conglomeration of backyards of a large block of houses.  This place had a dried up stream that would fill up with a heavy rain and enough trees to play hide-and-seek when need be.  We lived at the top of Hill Street which was obviously a hill.  There were a few times the rain got bad and there was flooding but we were lucky enough not to be in danger.

During the thunder storms I would sit under the carport with my father and just watch the lightening.  I don't remember the conversations we had but I believe they had to do with science and nature, which was appropriate.  A few summer storms my sisters and I actually ran into the down pour and played around.  Bare feet and sundresses that quickly got way too heavy.  The only bad thing about playing in a summer storm is going into a house that has the A/C going.  Talk about chilly!

Well this storm tonight has been special.  Some cases of heavy falls and big gusts of wind.  I told Grendal I had the urge to run around outside but I wasn't.  He asked me why and I told him I'd get cold, plus I didn't want my inner child to win.  Grendal told me to go ahead, we have towels and its rather cozy inside.  That was enough for me.  I slipped on my sandals and hurried outside.  Yeah, cold rain isn't as fun as the rain from the middle of summer but I still enjoyed it.

An odd thing happened and it my just be a coincidence but it was thrilling to me.  I stood there, eyes closed and face turned skyward, and enjoyed the rain.  All I could think was that this was so rejuvenating.  The moment those thoughts were, well, thought there was a huge flash of lightening(the kind that makes it seem like its noon) and a deep roll of thunder.  I kind of took that as a 'your welcome' from my storm God of a patron.  :)

Pagan Blog Prompt: St. Patrick's Day

Ah, St. Patrick's Day - a day for pinching people not wearing green, drinking lots of green beer, eating corned beef with cabbage and potatoes....

But do you know why we even have this day? What's the story behind "saint" Patrick? How does it relate to us Pagans?

Explore this topic with a little research, then share your knowledge with the rest of us :) You might be surprised what you find.... 

 Growing up I didn't know the specifics of the day. Just that I needed to wear green to avoid the pinching that would occur. Growing up the green got less and less.  It went from shirts, to ribbons to buttons, to me saying "I have enough green in my eyes, leave me alone."  I do have some Irish blood in me, and I believe I used that as an excuse for not wearing green either.  Since I'm not much of a drinker, the whole getting smashed bit doesn't appeal to me.

I do know that St. Patrick was never actually given sainthood by the Pope, but we've been celebrating theday for so long I doubt its going to change.

I will say that I don't really celebrate this day any more.  Why?  Well, because of the whole snake-pagan thing.  Yes, there are no actual snakes in Ireland, not after the last ice age.  The druids had snake tattoos, thus running the snakes of the island was pretty much kicking the druids off the island.  It irked me so I just didn't bother with the day any more.  I do try and cook some Irish food to celebrate that part of my lineage, and with Grendal's family being very much the Irish family I can't help it any more.

One person some where said that on St. Patty's day they don't drink to the man's memory but more to his death, and the fact that those 'pesky snakes' have returned.

All in all, just another day. Happy celebrating to those who do so.

Surprised Me Too

Grendal and I don't have access to cable in our place and after months without it I don't know why I ever enjoyed it.  Scratch that, yes I do!  My favorite channels are History Channel, Discovery Channel, TLC, SyFy, and NatGeo.  I honestly can't get enough of those 'educational' channels.  My father and I watch shows on the military and wars, as well as anything to do with ancient civilizations and the occult(we LOVE watching things on 2012).  We don't bond over much but it is our love of odd knowledge that brings us together.  He told me about the book Chariots of the Gods after I talked him about the show Ancient Aliens, and how one of the authors was on the episode.  My father also told me about people working at Area 51, even though it doesn't exist but it moved somewhere else and the military is still closely guarding the place.  Yeah, my father is a well of information and I love every bit of it.

So yes, my love of informative tv shows, no matter how odd and possibly misinformed, knows no bounds.  There was a series called Clash of the Gods that quickly grabbed my attention.  They were to take myths and talk about them and show the real life similarities.  I was excited!  Their first episode was about Zeus and while I may not like him, the show was rather interesting and had some tidbits I didn't know.  Sadly this was also around the time that we got rid of cable.  I couldn't see myself going to my parents' house to watch the show because it takes 30 minutes to get there.  So it just fell to the side until I could get a copy of it.  I was happy!  They had an episode on Hades, Medusa, Thor, and even the tale of Beowulf!  It took a little convincing but I got Grendal to watch some with me.

Tonight we had watched the Beowulf and Thor episode.  Its been a while since either of us read the tale of Beowulf but things seemed off.  The people on the show REALLY wanted to tie the story into some christian allegory.  O_o  Apparently Grendal(uh, the character) represented the Pagans, so when Beowulf killed him it was a metaphor for the ending of the Pagan beliefs.  What?  I must've missed that during my read through.  I highly doubt that during the story's oral tradition that the story tellers wanted to bring down the Pagans.  Not to mention they seemed to royally screw up the meaning of the word Pagan.

We brushed off our misgivings about that episode and continued on to the episode about Thor.  Now, I think I need to say something before I continue.  Grendal isn't a Pagan or a Wiccan.  He's more of a polytheistic-agnostic....or something.  He came up with a decent word.  Anyway, if Grendal ever did settle into the realm of Pagan worship and picked a pantheon, he would quickly pick up the Norse pantheon.  He studies the Norse tales, enough to hold lengthy conversations, and even has a pendant with Mjöllnir on it.  To our friends Grendal is known as the viking or the Norseman.

Anywho, Grendal went into this episode a little nervous.  Things started out fine, though my first gripe was the "actor's" lack of a beard.  The narrator couldn't decide on whether or not to call the jötunn giants or ogres, referred to Loki as Thor's servant, and completely screwed up the trials of Útgarða/Skrymir.  What got us was the story of Ragnarok.  Grendal and I never read the complete 'tale' of Ragnarok but we know what it is: essentially the end of the Norse pantheon.  It had always bothered me that the Norse pantheon had a tale of their own demise, seeing how none of the other pantheons in the world seem to have them(please correct me if I'm wrong).  The show went through the gist of Ragnarok, of coursing focusing on Thor since he was the episode's star, but then it took a christian bend that Grendal and I hadn't expected.

Through out the episode Grendal was constantly flipping through a book I bought him called 'Norse Mythology: A Guide to the Gods, Heroes, Rituals, and Beliefs' by John Lindow.  When they started talking about Ragnarok he quickly read it and made a surprised sound.  I asked him what was up and he just told me to watch, he wanted to see something.

Here is what the book says, which is pretty much what the episode said in an odd, round about way:

But Ragnarok has two parts, and the second involves rebirth.  the earth arises from the sea, and a new generation of gods inhabits it.  They have reminiscences of their forebears and some mysterious gaming pieces that link them to what went before.  Hod and Baldr are there, reconciled, and Hoenir too has survived the conflagration, for he "chooses lot-sticks," that is, he performs some sort of ritual activity.  According to the Hauksbok redaction of the poem, "the powerful one" then comes, and this looks like a reference to the christian deity.

Snorri paraphrases these verses and adds a few details, of which the most salient is the presence of Odin's sons Vidar and Vali and Thor's sons Magni and Modi, who will possess Thor's hammer Mjöllnir, in the new world that follows Ragnarok.  Snorri also, following Vafthrudnismal, says the humans will survive into the new world, through Lif and Lifthrasir.

I knew about Baldr and a few of the other gods surviving but I was shocked about the whole human race pulling through thanks to a man and a woman.  The show pointed out the similarities to Genesis in the Bible and even referred to Ragnarok and the Norse mythology as the prequel to the Old Testament.  WHAT?  I was shocked and, honestly, rather pissed.

Grendal and I did some talking and came to our own conclusions.  Now, the book doesn't really tell how old the Norse beliefs are via artifacts but it does mention that in 1000 b.c.e. some rock carvings were made that could have had a religious purpose.  My point, though, is that the christianisation of the area didn't really get underway until about 1000 c.e.  This means that the Prose Edda, the go-to for Norse mythology and written in the 13th century, was constructed when christianity already took up residence.  Churches were built over old temples before which made Grendal and I wonder if it wasn't too far fetched to create a bridge, story wise, to have people go from Pagans to Christians.  There has been no other reference to "the powerful one" that Grendal can find.  As for the Lif and Lifthrasir, I find it just odd.  Yes, in the beginning of Norse mythology Ask and Embla (Ash and Elm) are the first humans, but they were found washed up on a beach(or possibly created by the dwarves) by Odin, Vili, and Ve and given life/what was needed to live.  You can't really point to the Bible on that one because, hell, it sounds similar to the Hawai'ian creation myth.

So yeah, Grendal and I are a bit perturbed by the whole thing and firmly believe that Ragnarok was either completely created to bring people to the 'new religion' or modified to do so.  I guess it also doesn't help that the show made it sound like becoming christian brought peace to the world and made everything better.  :|

Okay.....enough of my ranting.  Despite the OBVIOUS christian bend Clash of the Gods has the show is enjoyable.

Some Spring Cleaning

Well, its been a difficult week. The day after my last post Grendal had the difficult job of explaining to his mother that it was Lucky's time to leave us.  Lucky was still trying to get up and move but his periods of sleep were getting longer and longer.  It was troubling Grendal and myself.  So that afternoon just about the entire family went to the vet to say our final goodbyes.  Everyone was in tears.  I couldn't stay in the room to watch the procedure, despite the fact that I was planning on going into the veterinary field.  I have to say I was having flashbacks of sorts to when my family went to the vet to say farewell to our boxer, Ali'i.  In a sense he was the brother I never had.  My farther took it the hardest since they were the best of friends.  Honestly, when I looked at Grendal that day I couldn't help but think of what my father went through.  It always hits me hard when I see grown men cry.  I guess its because I've always seen men with stone faces, smiles, and the general 'man' look about them.

When we got home we cleaned up.  It was hard because the cleaning consisted of ridding the house of Lucky's belongings.  Grendal put his foot down, not wanting to get rid of Lucky's harness, his collar, or his favorite toy.  I can understand it but it seemed like his parents were confused.  Hell, Grendal went through the garbage to get the toy and its sitting beside the altar right now.  Tinker, my Main Coone, seems to be rather lost as well.  She and Lucky were friends.  We caught them curled up next to each other a few times and she even sat beside him for a few hours during his last week.  Their method of play was Tinker would play chicken and encourage him to chase her through the house.  She would also knock over the smaller trash can near the computer and he'd nose through it looking for stuff. In the end the decision was hard but we all agree that it was for the best.  Lucky is in a better place and free of the pain that he had been in.

We've been getting back into the mix of 'normal' life.  Grendal and I have been cleaning the upstairs which is where we live.  We managed to move some of his parents' things from a bookshelf and, after months in boxes, just about all of our books/comics/manga/reading material are out in the open!  This makes me happy because not only are my pagan books within grabbing distance but we got rid of 3 boxes.  That means more space!!  The place doesn't look as tiny and we can stretch out a bit more.  Now I can catch up on my reading.

I know the change of seasons is drawing close and I'm not too sure what to do.  There are some Pagans in the area and I've met with a group, but I got an odd feeling when Grendal and I sat in on their social gathering.  They're trying to do some good in the community and push aside some stereotypes and bad mojo from the few groups in town, which is wonderful.  What was odd was it felt like I was that geeky kid in high school trying to sit at the cool kids' table.  :\  I felt like I was being judged a bit and I was totally out of the loop when they started talking about old stuff.  I was missing the inside jokes in a way.  So while there are Pagan groups they don't really hold big to-dos and I can afford going out to the Chicago area to do some of the cool stuff.  I've thought about looking into some of the things that happen in Wisconsin, since the border is a stone's throw away from the backyard, but I just haven't gotten around to it. Blarg.  I know I don't need to go out and meet other Pagans but I've always been interested in joining in and seeing what everything was about.

So yeah, with Ostara right around the corner I'll probably do what I usually do: make a nice meal for my family, light some incense, and put out some offerings.  Now, more cleaning!

Witchy Meme

Saw this on a few different blogs and, well, decided why the hell not.

Please describe briefly your Path: Its an odd array of things. Since I'm not part of a coven or group of any sort, I just became a cherry picker. Certain things sounded better then others and I applied that. Its my own thing and really odd. Eclectic is the only word I suppose.


Please describe briefly how you practice it: I work alone. I do my things at night for the most part and it is VERY spontaneous. If I feel like I need to do something, I do it because there has to be some reason why that thought/feeling cropped up.


When did you first commit to your Path?  Heh, I was in the 6th grade when one of my female friends, at a slumber party, brought this stuff up. All the girls thought it was cool, we watched The Craft that night and what not. She and I were the only ones who stuck with it, though it may not have been 'good.'

How is your practice different now than it was then? I'm serious about what I do now. I think about it and try not to do this in the heat of the moment. It's like night and day, actually.


Is your practice different today than how you thought it would be back then? Oh yeah. I was inspired by witch movies, so its very different then my little 6th grade mind had planned. Plus I've found deities I never thought I would.


Does your Path and core belief system differ now than how it was when you first started? Yes. I lean towards Egyptian and Canaanite deities rather than just the Goddess and the God, and back then I didn't really grasp the meaning in all of it.


What is your heritage and how does this inform your Path? I'm a huge mix of European nationalities. For a while I was told I was also half Hawai'ian.  While I still consider myself as such, that Hawai'ian side is actually Portuguese, the Azores to be exact. My descendants were some of the first Portuguese there and they lived on the Islands long enough to be considered Hawai'ian. Because I had been raised with that Hawai'ian side of me very prominent I learned a LOT about the deities. I've paid homage to Pele and know all the stories. While I don't actively worship them, if I do return to visit family I'll pay homage to them when I can.


What are your main influences for your Path? Bah, I don't know. Grendal and nature in general. Grendal supports me and we talk about all of this a lot. Nature-wise, I just try to keep in tune.


Which do you do more: practice or research? Research. I read a lot but wish I could do more practice. Things get in the way and I try to at least thank the deities in my mind when I can. I really need to do more stuff.


Do you feel that one is more important than the other? Not really and I can probably blame my own self for that. I need balance where ever possible.


What values and ethics are important on your Path and in your practice? Balance, equality, patience, and trying not to harm others, unless absolutely necessary(I can explain at another time). 

What sort of cycles do you feel your practice goes through? Normal highs and lows. I get into those stints where its all I think about and others where I can't seem to focus.

What is one of the greatest obstacles or struggles you have had to over come? Acceptance from friends/family and, in turn, not caring.


How do you see yourself practicing in ten years? Probably no different though I hope I bring my beliefs more and more in my life.


How do you incorporate your practice into your life? Being so close to nature. It helps remind me.


Has walking your Path changed you as a person? Oh yeah. I'm more even and I have found my love nature that I thought was left in my childhood.


Do you consider yourself to be a priest/ess? How so? I could be but not now. I practice alone.


A witch? How so? Depends on your definition of the word.

A shaman? How so? Nope. Have no idea about shamanism, so I don't claim to be a shaman.


Which matters more: getting the vocabulary right or the actual practice of what we are trying to define? It always bothers me when I look at huge rituals and wonder how people can remember all of their lines. And if they do the same thing each time, you just end up going through the motions and the feeling behind it might not be all that great. For me, its the practice.

One of the most profound things anyone ever said to you was: I guess there is two. 1- 'Oh, you're Pagan too? Awesome.'  2- 'My mother and father know all about that. They'd love to talk about it.'  They're profound to me, dang it!

A defining moment on your Path was: The dream that I had when Ba'al made himself known to me. :D

Have you ever taken a “leap of faith”? When I first started, it was a leap.

Please tell us something stupid, reckless or embarrassing you did once in your practice: Voodoo.....nasty stuff if you don't know what you're doing.  ._.


What is the most frustrating thing about your Path? Not being able to stick to it.

Have you ever been frightened? Yup.....the voodoo instance.

Can you perform ritual without a script? Yeah, because I don't use 'em.


Have you ever preformed spontaneous magick/spellcraft? All the freakin' time!


What are you still exploring or experimenting with? Heh, everything I suppose. I believe one is never done learning.


What (or whom) are you the most committed to in your practice and on your Path? Bast and Ba'al at the moment.


Ritual tools are …what ever I can find!


Magickal tools are …what ever I can find!


The one thing you can’t do without is: My necklace. It has a dragon and a cat on it....means a lot.


Seeking personal power is …natural.

Politics and you Path are …I don't like to talk politics. Too much fighting.

One thing you wish people would understand about your Path and/or practice is: Its just as good as yours and stop trying to tell me I'm going to hell. That place doesn't exist in my faith, so I can't go there. :p

Do you teach? I wish I could. What I want is to 'teach' children in the sense that there is still wonder and magic in the natural world.

What do you feel is the role of clergy in modern Paganism and Heathenism? Eh, I don't know. I'm of the opinion that you don't need a priest or priestess because all the information is there. You can learn about it and get stuff from it with or without them. Its like teaching in a sense: some people make it seem like you don't know a damn thing and they're all knowing. Not good.

When the Veil (or Hedge!) is thin, how does that feel to you? Static in the air. Anything can happen.

What entities do you work with most? (ancestors, gods, fae etc)Deities and Dragons.

What is your relationship with the Land? I love it and talk with it.


The most important aspect of ritual is: the thought and emotion behind it.


The main purpose of ritual is: I don't know how to answer this one. I suppose it depends.


What is the purpose of divination/dowsing (or whichever form of augury you use)? To see the possibilities and if a 'fix' is called for.

What was the most difficult book you ever read? (Either difficult to understand or hard to face what it said or both) I don't remember the title but it was the first book on Wicca that I picked up. I was so lost.

What book do you recommend the most to others? Honestly, anything by Cunningham. Some people may not like his work but I think it is the perfect springboard! Its all easy to understand and it helps newcomers to work their way into it.

What is you favourite podcast (if any) and favourite blog (other than your own)? Yikes. Not a podcast person and I go to too many blogs to figure that out. @_@

If you could impart only one last piece of wisdom or knowledge, or share one experience with the world at large, what would it be? Look to nature if you loose your way.

Is there an additional question you would like to see here? What is it? (please also answer) None.  This was good.


Please finish this meme with a picture, image or photograph of some sort:

 Heh, sim me!

Pagan Blog Prompt: Balance Between God and Goddess

A lot of Pagan paths are Goddess-centered, sometimes seen as a rebuttal against the God-centered churches. But as Pagans, we also understand that balance in all areas of our life is important, and even necessary to our personal growth.

Today's topic is the balance between the God and Goddess in our own journey. Are you more attuned with the Lord or Lady? Do you follow a path that focuses on one more than the other? Or have you found a good balance between the 'two halves'?

I'm a stickler for balance and equality(I'm a Libra, go figure) so I honestly try to achieve a balance between Gods and Goddesses.  Because of this I've always felt a little irked by such a focus on the Goddess figure.  Growing up I was annoyed with mainstream religion because of the focus on a male figure.  Switching to Wicca and some Pagan beliefs it seemed to be the opposite.  They focus on the female figure and, oh yeah, there's a male figure too.

In the end I've kind of forged my own path, trying to get that balance I want.  Looking at the Canaanite beliefs it seems there is a balance there but there isn't enough information to see for sure.

As for attuning with them.....Oddly enough I feel more inclined towards the Gods rather than Goddesses, if I like it or not.  XD  I'm a bit of a tomboy in general and it seems to reflect in other aspects of my life.  I do fight against it in a sense so I guess you could say I'm working on it.  lol.

The Last to Arrive

I'm always slow on the uptake when it comes to following the crowd or the trend.  Don't know why.

Yes, it's 2011.  Year of the rabbit.  One more year closer to 2012 and the end of the world.  Okay, sorry for that last bit.  I'm a nut when it comes to reading up on that type of stuff; I blame my father and his love of reading up on that stuff.  I don't believe the world will end but I am hoping for a major change.  Or at least something interesting to happen.

Everyone has made their resolutions already.  I usually don't make any because I've had a horrible track record with them.  Here is to hoping this year is different enough!

1) Have a garden that thrives, or even a potted plant.  I have a black thumb, I swear, but I want to make something grow!

2) Get better at reading my tarot so I no longer have to rely on that stupid little book.

3) Work more with the Gods and Goddesses of the world, and be mindful of conflicts between them.

4) Get more in touch with nature!

5) Be proud of my path and never shy away from talking about it if someone asks.


These should be easy enough for me, except for the first one.  :|  I have killed more plants than I like to admit.  I never mean to, it just happens.  I've been wanting a garden for years, have tried for the past 3, and something always happens.  First year was kinda my fault.  I need to remember when asking a fertility deity to aid in the growth of plants to SPECIFY the ones that I planted.  The weeds were nuts that year.

On a happier note I managed to pick up a copy of Whisper of Stone: Natib Qadish: Modern Cannanite Religion.  I've read up to the chapters on the holidays and I'm loving it!  So much information and the author is always reminding the reader that the majority of the book is what they figured out from the sparse amount of knowledge of the religion.  She(I think it's a she) goes as far to give the names of all the books and what not she went through to get the information, and really wants you to read them for yourself!  Surprisingly enough Grendal's mother told me she'd like to read it when I'm done.  I don't know if she is genuinely interested in the subject or is doing the motherly thing and wanting to see what I'm reading.

I also got a copy of Buckland's Blue Book of witchy knowledge.  Okay, obviously not the actual title but the book is all the way on the other side of the room and this little miss doesn't feel like climbing over boxes to get to it. Ha.

Anyway, I have to cut this short.  The sleeping beast(i.e. Grendal) is awake and we both need our coffee.  Happy New Year and here is to hoping this one is better then the last!

Christmas Surprises

Every year I go to my paternal grandparents' house, either on Christmas Eve or Christmas day(depends on the rest of the family).  I enjoy seeing them and the talks we have.  They just keep getting stranger and stranger.  This year's choice?  Conspiracy theories.  You know, Area 51 and all that.  My father, an ex-Air Force man, brought some info to it all.  Made my youngest aunt go 'hm' but everything was in jest.  My aunt is a nutty bird, lol.

The one thing I always notice at my grandparents' house are these teddy bears.  There are about 9 of them, all made from old fur coats and the like.  The cool thing is, is the fact that these were owned by my great-grandmother and great aunt.  Ever since I was younger I remember eying those bears but we couldn't play with them and I believe I always understood why.  They were so pretty.  This year, though, Grendal and I walk into my grandparents' house and the first thing I usually see are all 9 bears sitting at the fireplace.  This time they weren't.  It didn't strike me as odd and the night went as it usually does.

When it came to opening gifts the one from my grandmother seemed overly stuffed.  Last year we all got scarfs so I was thinking it was more winter wear.  I pulled out the tissue paper and what do I see?  One of the teddy bears.  I pull it out with wide eyes and glanced at everyone else.  All the women in the family had a teddy bear.  Apparently my grandmother's will stated that the bears would go to all of us but rather than wait until she passed away she decided to give them out now so she could see the reaction.  Mine had a sweet little bear face, a nifty lace collar, and it was an interesting brown and deep amber colored mink fur.  What made it even better was the fact that everyone else was eying my bear.  I hadn't realized that the others wanted it so much, and I think I made my grandmother happy because I kept it my lap, practically cuddling it(I have a soft spot for stuffed animals).  That was the best thing in the world that night.

Christmas day was good too.  While I got a few of the things I had requested from my mother, I was disappointed to find that none of the pagan items I wanted(one was the number one item on the list) were bought.  I don't know why but I've decided not to dissect the situation and get upset. the upside was the fact that my father gave me a gift credit card with 150$ on it because he didn't really know what to get me.  Later that night I did purchase the book I wanted and it will be here within a week!!

We came back to Grendal's for his family's get together, which was mainly watching his nieces open gifts.  He and I got a gift card to a local Japanese restaurant that we LOVE from his older brother and then gift cards to a local mom and pop diner from both his parents.  The two awesome gifts from that gathering?  Grendal made a wooden bust of my baby red dragon, Merrick(a Dungeons and Dragons NPC I made that the group loved and will always be my baby).  I get to paint it too, which is awesome.  The other thing?  Grendal's mother made me a cloak!  I've been wanting one for over 10 years.  Not one you'd buy, something homemade because it would be made specifically for me.  I've bought countless patterns and begged my mother to make it or help me make it but it never happened.  I mentioned this, in passing, to Grendal's mother during the summer and she remembered.  All that needs to be done is the bottom hem(she didn't know if the length was good) and I'm good to go.  She says it should be warm enough for me to wear outside in this cold, Northern Illinois winter which makes it awesome.  If it was finished now, I'd be running around outside, lol.

Awesome quote about the cloak comes from Grendal's brother.  "What is that?  Some druid cloak?"  I don't know if he knows I'm pagan but it just tickled me pink.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Yule and, for those who visited family for Christmas, hope you had a nice Christmas as well.  : )  Stay warm.

Pagan Blog Prompt: Family and the Holidays

The holidays can be stressful on most people, and I'm sure they can be even tougher when you hold beliefs that the rest of your family is not so fond of....

As you join with friends and family this Holiday season, how do you deal with differences in beliefs that may arise at gatherings? You might think "just don't bring it up", but what if someone else does?

My friends know what oath I follow and it isn't an issue with them.  Thankfully there hasn't been a problem with any of them, a few are fellow pagans and the others are open minded!

As for family.....My immediate family knows about my pagan beliefs but I don't think they know the extent of it.  I'm a private person when it comes to my faith and that is because I lost a friend once before and I don't want to push away my family.  To be honest, though, it is my extended family that I'm worried about.  My mother's side is in the Hawai'i area, so there is the fact that they have their own old deities but they are all Catholics of varying degree.  My father's side are some form of Christian belief(Methodist I think) and my grandparents are devout, but I'm not sure about my aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Religion isn't really touched upon on our usual get togethers but with Christmas here there is mention of Jesus and all that the Bible says about that, but there is no discussion on someone's beliefs.  I will say that my facebook page says I am Pagan and anyone in my family can see that, but no one has said anything.

If the day comes and I'm approached about my beliefs my first response would be that it is my own concern and its something I am not comfortable talking about.  If they persist, well, I'll have to tell them that I'm Pagan.  What happens after that, questions and what not, depends on the person and what they believe.

Pagan Blog Prompts: Yule Plans

Yule is this coming Tuesday, 21 Dec. Have any plans yet? Ritual with friends/coven, or perhaps just a solitary night alone with your chosen deities?

I tend to practice alone, letting Grendal, my boyfriend, know when the holidays are coming up and what I would like to do.  Usually its a nice dinner for the family.  I don't voice the reason why the dinner is so nice but Grendal tells his parents and they're happy about it.  True, I am a little gun shy but Grendal's mother loves to know these things.

I have a bad track record of keeping up with the days since I had to do things in secrecy for so long.  This year I am making a nice ham dinner and going to light a few candles.  I don't know what else to do.  Tomorrow I may make some salt dough ornaments to hang on the tree as well.

Since this is my first time really celebrating Yule I'm still trying to work out what to do, especially on the deity front.  I will set out offerings but I do want to figure out a way to include Ba'al and Bast.  Ba'al is a fertility god and Bast was originally a defender of Ra, so her association with the sun could be very useful.  I'll probably update this once I've figured something out!

Happy Yule everyone!

Your Hippie Dippie Weatherman with Your Hippie Dippie Weather, Man!

I'm as much of a hippie as one living in Northern Illinois can be.  I did have dreads at one point(in high school, they were purple), I'm a tree huger(they need hugs), I listen to what Grendal defines as hippie music, I wear 'typical' hippie clothes in the summer(sarongs and skirts made from old sari material), etc. etc.  Guess the one thing of the stereo typical hippie-ness that I haven't done is the drugs.  No urge to.  My mother and auntie in Hawai'i always told me that if I ever moved back to the Big Island I would end up living in the Hippie town(never learned the name) not too far away from Hilo.  Honestly, I probably would.  Hippies are good people for the most part.  Haven't met one that I disliked.

There is snow outside which is a huge contrast to the white, warm beaches of Hawai'i.  I was born in Hawai'i and raised in California and Georgia since my parents were in the Air Force.  This is the longest time I've ever lived in one state(about 13 years) and, unlike the other women in my immediate family, I love it!  I remember visiting my grandparents up here for Thanksgiving and Christmas and loving the snow.  I never remember complaining about the cold.  I complain now but when ever there is a snowfall I am watching it like a wide eyed child.  Its always pretty.  Our husky loves it and will ask to go out if he realizes there is fresh snow on the ground.  He either eats it or flops down on his chest with his butt in the air, in the deepest mound he can find, and scoots around so his entire front half is hidden.

I've been feeding the squirrels around Grendal's house.  I missed having one that I could feed.  At my parents house there is a female squirrel that I call Chubs that will patiently stare at the backdoor when there are no peanuts out for her and will get within 3 feet of us, and allow us to toss nuts at her feet.  I called her Chubs because, well, she was a chunk!  It was spring time and I just thought she was a chubby squirrel.  After a point, though, the weight was gone and then there were three little squirrels in our yard.  She had babies!  But yeah, there are some squirrels here that I'm tossing feed out to.  They're gray squirrels rather than the red that Chubs was.  We have Stubs(has a tiny tail and may not be a yard resident), Scrapper(because he fights and eats the scraps since the other chase him off), Biggie Small(he's a big squirrel but thin right now), and No Name(no distinguishing marks so no clever name).  We also have a mated pair of Cardinals in the bush right outside the kitchen window, so I've tossed out bird seed as well.  Hopefully they'll stick around through the warm weather, despite the fact that the street will be torn apart when the township puts in a sewer system.

The tree is up in the living room but no decorations yet, but there are lights.  I believe we're waiting for the nieces to come over but it always eds up with Grendal and I decorating the tree, which isn't a problem.

Oh!  Here is the picture of my altar:

 Yes, there be dragons!  You can see 3 out of the 4 statues I have.  I also have the Chinese gods representing Happiness, Long Life, Wealth, and Peace around a little container, my wooden athame, the plethora of tarot cards, two date books(this year and next), part of my besom, and other odds and ends.

And this is the statue of Bast that keeps enticing my cat to get up where she shouldn't be.  I put a nice little flower head piece over her and that bracelet has tiger's eye beads.  I'm an odd one(pack rat in some cases) but everything I have has its uses.

Okay.  Enough yammering out of me because I have some business to tend to!

Pagan Blog Prompts: Ethics and the Economy

We all know the economy is in a downward spiral as of late, and because of that, people have become willing to sell just about anything they can to make some extra money. While selling material goods is one thing, how do you feel about people that charge for spiritual services?

For example, does it make one a bad person if one sells Tarot or Palm readings to make ends meet? What about the folks who offer spiritual advice and guidance without divination tools, and charge for that service? Is this really a matter of ethics at all?

I admit that I've always been leery when ever I pass a shop that advertises palm readings or tarot sessions.  I shake my head and wonder who would actually go there.  The shops are little hole in the wall places and, where I'm at, in a shady part of town except for one.  I always doubt the validity of the person giving the readings even though I've never even seen them.  Yes, the person may be the best damned person when it comes to readings but I always doubt it.  Why, though?  Its because they're charging for what they do.  I have no reason to be so staunchly against it, no one ever told me doing so was so bad, which makes me feel horrible.  Why am I judging so harshly?  For all I know this is their only means of making money.

Taking into consideration the second paragraph's second question(mouthful there) it doesn't make sense!  I don't think it's odd when anyone else does so but I look down my nose at those tarot readers.  Why?  Guess I still have some hangups, ones that I should try and dissect to see what's going on.

Recently I've debated about the idea of offering readings for a price, though I've been under no great demand for my abilities.  I need the money and the price would be pocket change.  I honestly shouldn't feel bad about it.  There are New Age stores that charge outrageous prices on simple things and no one thinks twice.  True, they're not offering readings but there is a connection there at least for me.  The shop needs to make some money and so do those people who set up shop and offer readings, charging for the minute.

I suppose I've always imagined myself giving readings to people in the kitchen of a Victorian home(my parents' actually) on sunny afternoons.  Always happy to see the regulars and welcoming the new clients or those who are just curious.  I have iced tea for them, perhaps some snacks depending on the day.  There is always the smell of lilacs coming in from the garden and the tinkling of the wind chimes on the back porch.  The cat is sleeping in a stream of sunlight and the dog is resting at my feet as I give the reading.  Sure, I charge the person.  At first its cash, always reasonably priced, but when they become regulars I suggest something else.  Candles, tea, or seeds as payment.  Its all just a fantasy, something that would be lovely to see but doubtful in reality.

The times.....they are tough.

Well, I've managed to get my altar set up way before I thought it would!  I mean, there is roughly a little more than 2weeks until Yule so I grossly miscalculated the speed of our moving stuff around.  There is a decent sized table in the attic that I used and tried, best as I could, to take up only half so we could use the other half for our figurines.  Unfortunately I have some dragon figures that go on my altar which, well, are rather large.  They're dragons so of course they're going to take up a lot of space.  I may have to remove a few of them and place them around the room so we can use space efficiently.  Either way, I have my very first altar(pictures will follow once I take them).  It may not be 'proper' but it works for me and what I do. :)

The other day Tink, my Maine Coon cat, decided that she wanted to be on my altar. My first reaction is to scold her and shoo her off.

After succeeding and sitting down at the computer, I hear Grendal from the other room go "What do you expect?"

Me, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Hello~?  Bast?"

I don't know why I hadn't thought of that...then again I had just woken up.  I apologized to Tink and figured she just wanted to be near the statue.  Either that or she wanted to try and chew on my besom again. D:

The atmosphere in the house had been rather tense lately and I believe that is due to the fact that only one person out of 4 living there has a job, Grendal's mother(ye gods, that sounds horrible).  Grendal and his father have started a home business focused on woodworking.  Toys, canes, pens, bookcases, redoing kitchens, etc!  All of that done with wood.  The only problem is that it doesn't seem to be going anywhere just yet.  We've set up a Facebook page(link on the sidebar) to have people look at, they set up an ad in some local papers(which we can't seem to find), and we've tried word of mouth.  Nothing seems to be working just yet.  Grendal and his father have been putting hours a day working on 'prototypes' and I'm keeping track of the Facebook page and painting the toys when they're finished.  I have done a spell to help word of the business get out into the community, just give that little push, and I'm waiting and hoping to see some positive results.  Its all for Grendal and his family; without this they'll quickly sink.  It doesn't help that the unemployment rate in Northern Illinois is freakin' ridiculous.  I've been job searching for 4+ months and there isn't even a nibble.  I'm hoping that we get a client or something before long.  Don't know what's going to happen if we don't.

Okay, lighter note!  Due to my lack of funds and not knowing where to go for an athame Grendal has made me a lovely substitute out of wood!  Its lovely and goes well with the wand he made me during the summer.  I've never had so much in the way of 'proper' instruments.  I also need to go about printing up new copies of my BOS.  Its nothing impressive, is currently being housed in either my flashdrive or a pink 3-ring binder, and most of it is taken up with recipes for holiday food than anything else.  I guess its healthy to say that I leave spells as the last effort to make things work or help a situation, which I believe is good.

I think this weekend I'll see if Grendal is up to the task up putting up the tree.  Last year his parents bought a fake one, which didn't make Grendal all that happy.  He loved going out and finding a tree to bring home, even though he would break out into hives whenever he was pricked by the pines and I always end up with little pinpricks by the time we're done decorating.  Ah well.  We need some holiday cheer in this house!

Pagan Blog Prompts: Vegetarian?

 I wasn't able to do last week's prompt, but here I am for this week's!

How does being a Pagan affect your view on Vegetarians?

Does your love and respect for nature and living things lead you to stay away from meat? Or is it more based on the nature of the food processing that bolsters your distaste for meat?

If you are of the carnivorous branch of humans, does your Pagan view on life make you feel guilty at all? Does it affect the choices you make when you shop for meat in the store?

I am an omnivore when it come to eating.  My Pagan beliefs don't change my feeding habits in the slightest.  I do not feel guilty eating meat and I'm all for those who decide to be vegetarian or even vegan, it's just not for me.  I personally believe you can be pagan, worship nature, and still eat meat.  As weird as this sound it's like the Druid in Dungeons and Dragons(just hear me out!).  The Druid can use natural weapons but cannot wield anything made of metal.  Now I've gotten into discussions with my fellow D&Ders about this whole thing.  Metal is of the earth and is natural.  One of my friends suggested that it was the fact that they were forged rather than just carved like a bow or staff.  I can somewhat understand the logic in that but I still have my qualms.

For me it boils down to this: if I could go out and hunt or raise the meat myself and butcher them, I would!  Sadly I don't have the ability or facility to do so.  The meat is part of the natural world and I can take it into myself to keep living.  Why is it different with plants?  I believe that ALL things have spirits within them and that plants can feel.  In that sense, how is ripping a carrot out of the ground and chopping it up any different than hunting and butchering a deer?  Maybe its the lack of a face and sounds of pain.

A Place Where I Belong

Growing up I was very interested in religion, though my family wasn't a church going bunch.  My older sister was part of a kid's bible study group and she had her own Precious Moments bible.  I remember wondering why I couldn't go along and constantly flipping through her bible when I could.  Eventually I had friends who went to church every Sunday and I made sure to spend the night on Saturdays so I could go to church.  I ended up enjoying three things about those church going days: getting to wear special outfits, the singing, and the food.  No matter what, I am never bashful to admit that church lady food is the best.  I don't know why, lol.

I never enjoyed Sunday school and I didn't like sitting down and listening to a man go on and on about something I didn't find interesting.  After a point, though, I did begin to pay attention to what was being said and really absorb it all.  My earliest memory of comprehending all of that information was this: 'How can one God do all of that? There is too much to do, he needs help!'  I never accepted the idea of the Judeo-Christian belief of God being all powerful.  It just didn't sit right with me. In middle school I began reading the bibles in the house, and found that while I did find it interesting I just couldn't believe in it.  Something felt off.

During 8th grade I went to a slumber party, which was a huge deal because I wasn't much of the social butterfly.  We did the usual things: movies, junk food, and games.  When it got to be around 11pm our hostess's parents retreated to their own room and my friend began to talk about witchcraft.  The Craft was roughly a year, maybe two, out of the theater and looking back on it I believe that's where she got the idea.  All of us listened to her and we messed around with things.  I made a voodoo doll but eventually removed the pin since I didn't think it was doing anything.  What surprised me was that the girl nearly broke her leg and I ended having some issues with said leg for a while.

After that moment I began to search for things pertaining to witchcraft online, stumbling upon Wicca along the way.  I read the websites that seemed reasonable and would sneak around in the public library to read the books outside of my mother's watchful eye.  After a point, though, I wanted to own some of those books.  At that point I was in high school but I still didn't have an after school job, meaning I had to ask dear mother for about 15$ to buy the book.  When we went to Borders I found one that I wanted, bounded over to her, and asked.  She took one look at it, noted the pentacle on the front, and said no.  I was crushed but didn't argue.  Sometime later I posed the question again, with the same book, and she asked me if I worshiped Satan.  By that point I was able to call forth the information I needed and explained things to her rather quickly and to the point.  My mother finally agreed.  While my mother isn't much of a religious person, it is obvious that she hold onto what she had been when she was younger(she tells me she's a recovering Catholic).  My father doesn't seem to mind and has recently found himself to be an agnostic.  My younger sister dabbled in Wicca/witchcraft, as did my older sister but she claims to be an atheist now.

I slowly began to amass a decent group of books on Wicca.  Scott Cunningham's books were easy to come by and, no matter what anyone else says, I enjoy them and their simple way of going about things.  My first boyfriend bought me my first tarot deck for Christmas, one that served me well for years(freakishly so) and was finally 'retired' after nearly 6 years of use.  I still kept things hidden from my family and never really explained or showed them the extent of my belief in all of this.  I kept a small altar in my room that looked like an odd collection of things and performed my spells and rites after everyone was asleep or while people were doing house/yard work.  My practice of the holidays never took off since I didn't have a way of doing it on my own or with others of the same faith.

It wasn't until I met Grendal and his family that things seemed to change.  Grendal is a polytheistic agnostic, his older brother is possibly agnostic as well, and his older sister and parents are spiritualists with a slight Wiccan bend.  This was the first time that i had run into a family that seemed to be like me.  I remember giving Grendal's mother(who, like my mother, says she's a recovering Catholic) a tarot reading and she gave me one in return, using a deck of playing cards and explaining to me that a neighbor girl taught her how to read cards like that when she was still a kid herself.  Grendal's father is interested in Hawai'ian spiritualism, Huna, and talks to me about it since I'm half Hawai'ian.  While I've never heard of it myself, I listen and find it rather interesting.  The family's personal library has a plethora of New Age books in general and I've found myself looking through them and pulling out random titles.  While Grendal's parents and older sister still refer to God, they mean it in the sense of a higher consciousness, though it rankles Grendal to hear that word.

I've come a long way after 13 years of studying and practicing.  While I'm still nervous to discuss my beliefs due to loosing friends, I'm getting better.  My extended family on either side don't know what I believe in, or the extent if they have an inkling.  To some degree neither does my immediate family.  For the most part I don't find it necessary to talk about it and be very 'out there' about it all.  Yet, I will have no qualms speaking up and defending it if I have to.

I am proud to be pagan.

Is it Safe?

I'm not much of a Black Friday shopper and, honestly, try to stay inside most of the day.  Luckily I succeed!

Thanksgiving was wonderful.  Grendal and I spent time with my father's family, and I didn't give a thought towards my mother because it would have only stressed me out.  I did get a text from her later in the day saying she hoped I had a good time and, even though I'm 26, she wanted me to email her my holiday gift list.  So all is well for now.

Usually when I search the internet I end up being in odd places thanks to following links that catch my eye.  This happened again and I ended up coming across a blog post about Natib Qadish.  The word captured my attention because I didn't know how to say it or what the hell it meant.  So I read on and, lo and behold, it's a reconstruction of the Canaanite beliefs.  I tweaked out for a second and read through the article, very much surprised that this movement was about and that I could get more information on Ba'al.  Needless to say I have two websites bookmarked that talk about Natib Qadish and have requested a book on the subject as a present this year.  Whether or not I strictly follow the belief or mix it in with my eclectic pagan ways, I'm not sure.  Either way I'm learning some pretty interesting stuff!

Natib Qadish, Canaanite Paganism

Grendal and I are moving to the upper part of his parent's home(not sure if I mentioned this before).  What's awesome about this move is that I will be able to construct my first altar.  Before it was always makeshift things and on the spot whenever a ritual/spell/holiday was in order, and it was small.  Now I have a decent sized table to set things up and decorate. This makes me unbelievably happy and, with some luck, we should be moved up there and have the alter set up by Yule!  If I feel gutsy and comfortable with it, I may snap a picture or two and post it.

That's enough out of me.  I have to make some dinner. 

Pagan Blog Prompts: Clothing Optional?

Obviously trying something interesting.  I stumbled on Pagan Blog Prompts and couldn't help myself.

How is your ritual clothing different from your daily wardrobe, if at all? Are you one to attend ritual skyclad (naked)? Why or why not?

Are there certain items you wear on a regular basis that are always present in your rituals (a necklace or ring, perhaps)? Does the energy of that item change for you?

I practice alone.  There was a time when I did have a small group and when we got together we wore certain clothes. Mine was a dress I bought at a Halloween shop.  While that is embarrassing to admit, it was all I could manage and it looked wonderful!  Nowadays, though, I don't have a specific outfit to wear for rituals.  In a way I am a little sad about it but most of the time what I do is spontaneous and I don't have the time to slip into that something special.

As for going skyclad.....I would never do so in a group and that is because I'd be nervous and way too self conscious.  I know there would be no need for any of that but its just one of those things.  I have done a few solo rituals skyclad, on a whim, and things ended up nicely, so to each their own and I may do it again!

There is a piece of jewelry that I always wear.  It's a coin/pendant that I bought at a renfair.  On one side there is a cat and on the other there is a dragon.  I used to wear another one which had a Celtic cross and pentacle done in Celtic knot work.  The time came, though, for that one to be retired and I have a new one.  This piece of jewelry has become a part of me and I think it does help when I wear it during ritual.  There is just something special about it.

One Step at a Time

People have told me the holidays are a stressful time.  Up until recently the only stress I've had is how am I going to make it to all the Thanksgiving dinners.  I just stirred up trouble in my family's life and, sadly, I am the reason why my mother canceled the holidays.  I won't go into any details mainly because I doubt anyone wants to hear about it and I just want to push it aside.  I've said my piece to my mother, she's said hers, and what damage control I didn't fix either of my sister's will.  My father and I are just fed up.

Anywho, enough of that!  What I'm posting about is my faith.  More importantly the deities I follow.  This is more of getting myself used to talking about this and being proud of who and what I am!

Reading through a bunch of books and websites/blogs, I've come across some interesting things about picking deities or even pantheons to worship.  One big thing is some people believe that you have to be of Celtic lineage to worship Celtic deities.  I've heard the same about Norse, Native American, and even Japanese deities.  In some cases it was that you had to be of that 'race' or in that country (because we all know that the Gods can't traverse the oceans, right?).  Living in the states there isn't much in the way of native deities unless, by some standards, you begin to worship the Native American Gods.  I suppose I have a way out in the fact that I'm half Hawai'ian so I have those deities to pay homage to, yet something didn't seem right.

Going through the Hawai'ian pantheon I did find some draw to Pele and Mahina but I think it was more out of interest of their stories and my own heritage.  I dabbled with the idea of worshiping Pele but I began to notice my temper growing short.  While she is a lovely deity I figured that I would call to her in desperate times(in a sense I see a similarity with 'dark' Goddesses when it comes to her destructive nature and want to protect her children).

I thought about worshiping Nyx but, again, there was no intense connection.  I found her to be a wonderful being and very intriguing but I couldn't get myself to follow through with what I wanted.

At this point I hadn't thought about a God, just a Goddess.  One afternoon, though, it changed.  Now I have to say that when people tell me they have psychic dreams or someone/something contacts them through a dream, I am skeptical.  I know its weird but I am a very skeptical person when it comes to profound religious experiences in any religion/faith.  Its the person's word against yours.  Yes they could be telling the truth but they could easily be lying as well.

Back to the point!  One afternoon I had fallen asleep.  I usually don't take a nap in the middle of the day but I just fell asleep.  Most times I don't remember my dreams.  I wake up and I either slept like a log or it was fitful night.  This time, though, I remembered every detail of the dream in a way that just shocked me:

I was standing in my parent's driveway/back yard.  I was looking at the house and noticed that the sky was cloudy.  As I stood there, noting that it was going to rain soon, a figure came riding through the clouds on a cloud of his own.  There was lightning and thunder in his wake.  The man flew at me but 'bailed' at the last second, twisting himself away.  The man's face came incredibly close to my own and I noticed he was wearing a mask that had openings for his eyes only.  He wore a skirt that had reminded me of something out of ancient Egypt but it seemed off in a way.  His hair was shaggy and it seemed like he had horns that swept forward.  In his hand he carried what looked like a mix of a lightning bolt and a staff, and he had bony protrusions coming out of his elbows.

I woke up and was shaken, and the first thing I did was tell Grendal about the dream.  He was shocked(he knows that I 'don't' dream) and told me to write it down and sketch out the figure as best as I could.  There was some letters that had popped up with the dream, but I still haven't found a meaning(2 years after the fact) to them if there was one.

It took me a while to find out who this figure was and when I saw a statue it was almost an instantaneous "That's him!" moment.  The God that I believe came to me was Ba'al.  The image I saw and the descriptions I've read match up.  I do know there are different Ba'al's but I believe that they're aspects of the same being, and it has yet to steer me wrong.

I have found a Goddess and, honestly, I don't know why I hadn't realized that she had been with me for a long time.  Bast.  I will say that it was probably the fact that I didn't want a 'mainstream' Goddess to worship that I hadn't noticed it sooner.  Cats have always been in my life, I have loved them greatly, and they have brought me nothing but joy.  When ever I meet a new cat there is an instant liking between us, even with cats that are normally a little put off by new people or generally grumpy.  Another big thing is the fact that my mother had collected a few cat statues for a while.  One of them was a cat that wore an Egyptian necklace and was sitting rather proud.  I was always drawn to it and always wanted to touch it, hold it, and put it in my room.  When I realized there was a connection between Bast and myself, I took the statue and placed it on my makeshift altar.  Everything has been well since.

So yes.  I have a God and Goddess to worship other than the Mother and Father.  I do find it rather interesting that Ba'al has a connection with Egypt, being likened to Set.   Things always seem to come together in the end. :)

I am....

A new blog.  I'm starting collect these like old newspapers.  I don't know why I can't keep one going for more than a while.  Guess its like I'm worried about leaving the proverbial paper trail.  I don't like to get too comfortable in one blog or something.  Who knows.

This blog will be more about me and my actual life I suppose.  The other ones were more of a glossed over version and made me feel rather happy about the fact that nothing is happening in my life.  I need to be honest to the strangers that venture here.  Then I will be happy!

I am a 26 year old chick.  I don't say woman because I don't feel like a 'woman' and I don't say girl because I'm not a child.  I am a chick.  I am a tomboy and very much in touch with my inner child.  This is not to say that I'm immature but I do know when to have my fun and when to get serious.  I enjoy serious conversations about religion and the problems of the world.  I also don't mind arguing about the meaning behind video games and why something should or shouldn't have happened in said video game.

I am unemployed.  The job market here sucks and I have been jobless for a couple months now.  It started when I left school on a break for my own sanity.  School screwed me over and I no longer attend, which means bills are going to start appearing in my mail box any time now.  I know I need a job and I have been trying desperately to get one.  Then again so are hundreds of other people in the area.  My chances are slim but I still hope that something positive happens.

I am a starving artist.  Like I said, I am unemployed but my dream is to become a published author and has been for years.  I still remember one of my first little stories that wasn't a class assignment.  I was in the second grade and it was about a unicorn named Buttercup(yeah, girly me and my love of My Little Ponies).  The whole point of the story was that Buttercup was alone and wanted to have some friends.  She always watched the human kids playing and, one day, she was able to play with them.  Happy ending right there.  I've written many things after that and, thank the gods, my ability as a writer has grown immensely.  I have one story in the works and it is my child.  I know I can finish it and shine it up until its the gem I imagined it to be.  My worry is whether or not it'll actually be published.....and then enjoyed.

I am the black sheep.  My relationship with my immediate family is, in my opinion, shaky.  I feel closest to my father.  I am the middle child of three girls.  My mother favors our older sister and she is best friends with my younger sister.  I am the only child that has left home and not had constant contact with my mother.  I see her once a week, which is great.  My younger sister moved back in with my mother after a failed attempt of getting schooling in Hawai'i(where we are from) and my older sister talks to my mother about every day and my mother watches her two daughters constantly.  I live 30 minutes away with my boyfriend of 6 years.  The reason why I don't hang around my mother is because I feel like I'm a failure and a burden, but also because my mother is a poison to me.  She drove me to depression and made me feel no bigger that a mouse.  Moving away and having a supportive boyfriend healed me.  I still love my mother but I have to do it from afar.

I am a pagan.  This is the one thing I usually stray away from in my blogs but I know I shouldn't.  There are others out there more than happy to have blogs dedicated to their journey and every day life with their beliefs.  For some reason, though, I always keep mine hidden.  My mother is a recovering catholic(her words) and when she found out I was reading books on Wicca and Paganism she asked if I was worshiping Satan.  I was able to explain things to her and things were smoothed over.  She may have thought it was a phase but I've been practicing/learning for 13 years.  What made me weary about telling people my faith was one of my friends.  We had a great friendship for over a year and one day I brought my tarot deck to show another friend the images(Brian Froud's artwork is amazing).  He took one look at the deck, knew what it was, and left the table until it was put away.  He said nothing about it and, after that, stayed away from me for nearly 5 years.  Even now our friendship is no where near what it had been.  I guess I'm afraid of being shunned and ignored.  Its not a great feeling.  But I know there are some great people out there.

That's it.  I got that out there.  Future posts should be more upbeat from now on, unless a rant of some sort is called for.