Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I am....

A new blog.  I'm starting collect these like old newspapers.  I don't know why I can't keep one going for more than a while.  Guess its like I'm worried about leaving the proverbial paper trail.  I don't like to get too comfortable in one blog or something.  Who knows.

This blog will be more about me and my actual life I suppose.  The other ones were more of a glossed over version and made me feel rather happy about the fact that nothing is happening in my life.  I need to be honest to the strangers that venture here.  Then I will be happy!

I am a 26 year old chick.  I don't say woman because I don't feel like a 'woman' and I don't say girl because I'm not a child.  I am a chick.  I am a tomboy and very much in touch with my inner child.  This is not to say that I'm immature but I do know when to have my fun and when to get serious.  I enjoy serious conversations about religion and the problems of the world.  I also don't mind arguing about the meaning behind video games and why something should or shouldn't have happened in said video game.

I am unemployed.  The job market here sucks and I have been jobless for a couple months now.  It started when I left school on a break for my own sanity.  School screwed me over and I no longer attend, which means bills are going to start appearing in my mail box any time now.  I know I need a job and I have been trying desperately to get one.  Then again so are hundreds of other people in the area.  My chances are slim but I still hope that something positive happens.

I am a starving artist.  Like I said, I am unemployed but my dream is to become a published author and has been for years.  I still remember one of my first little stories that wasn't a class assignment.  I was in the second grade and it was about a unicorn named Buttercup(yeah, girly me and my love of My Little Ponies).  The whole point of the story was that Buttercup was alone and wanted to have some friends.  She always watched the human kids playing and, one day, she was able to play with them.  Happy ending right there.  I've written many things after that and, thank the gods, my ability as a writer has grown immensely.  I have one story in the works and it is my child.  I know I can finish it and shine it up until its the gem I imagined it to be.  My worry is whether or not it'll actually be published.....and then enjoyed.

I am the black sheep.  My relationship with my immediate family is, in my opinion, shaky.  I feel closest to my father.  I am the middle child of three girls.  My mother favors our older sister and she is best friends with my younger sister.  I am the only child that has left home and not had constant contact with my mother.  I see her once a week, which is great.  My younger sister moved back in with my mother after a failed attempt of getting schooling in Hawai'i(where we are from) and my older sister talks to my mother about every day and my mother watches her two daughters constantly.  I live 30 minutes away with my boyfriend of 6 years.  The reason why I don't hang around my mother is because I feel like I'm a failure and a burden, but also because my mother is a poison to me.  She drove me to depression and made me feel no bigger that a mouse.  Moving away and having a supportive boyfriend healed me.  I still love my mother but I have to do it from afar.

I am a pagan.  This is the one thing I usually stray away from in my blogs but I know I shouldn't.  There are others out there more than happy to have blogs dedicated to their journey and every day life with their beliefs.  For some reason, though, I always keep mine hidden.  My mother is a recovering catholic(her words) and when she found out I was reading books on Wicca and Paganism she asked if I was worshiping Satan.  I was able to explain things to her and things were smoothed over.  She may have thought it was a phase but I've been practicing/learning for 13 years.  What made me weary about telling people my faith was one of my friends.  We had a great friendship for over a year and one day I brought my tarot deck to show another friend the images(Brian Froud's artwork is amazing).  He took one look at the deck, knew what it was, and left the table until it was put away.  He said nothing about it and, after that, stayed away from me for nearly 5 years.  Even now our friendship is no where near what it had been.  I guess I'm afraid of being shunned and ignored.  Its not a great feeling.  But I know there are some great people out there.

That's it.  I got that out there.  Future posts should be more upbeat from now on, unless a rant of some sort is called for.

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